Monthly Archives: October 2014

ONE YEAR LATER

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One year ago today I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I remember that moment as if it were yesterday. Reading those words that would change my life forever. I remember the room feeling as if it were spinning. I left work immediately and called Luke. I knew he was in class but I sat in my car just calling him over and over again. He answered and I don’t even remember what I said to him, I was so hysterical. He was in the middle of a test and just got up and left class and drove home. I will never forget pulling up in the driveway and seeing him standing in the front door, the look on his face broke my heart. I collapsed in his arms. I remember saying over and over again “I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I want to stay with you. I don’t want to die.” I cried harder than I ever have in my life that day, as all the life I still had to live seemed as if it were just taken away from me.

Its crazy that it has been 365 days since then. In a way it seems like that was a lifetime ago. Cancer is still such a presence in my life. I still haven’t gone an entire day without thinking about cancer. But instead of thinking about it 1,000 times a day I am probably down to 100 times a day, and for that I am grateful. It’s hard not to assume that every ache and pain is the cancer spreading through my body. Sometimes I am literally frozen in fear when I have a new pain in my hip, or weird feeling in my side. But then I will have moments where I actually have to stop and think “did that really happen to me?” Sometimes it feels like it didn’t really happen, like it was all a bad dream.

I have to admit, as much as I am thankful that I am still here to see this day come, I have also had a tremendous amount of anxiety about it. I have been relieving those moments and it has been overwhelming. It’s just so painful. As much as I love the month of October I wont be upset to see it end. Each day is another reminder of some of the worst and most terrifying days of my life. But I am certain that with each year that passes these “anniversaries” will become less and less anxiety provoking.

Life is back to normal. I will never take for granted doing normal things ever again. When you’ve seen bad, you know what good is and my life is GOOD! I returned to work at the end of May and am now back to taking care of those sweet tiny infants I love so much. I had my final reconstructive surgery in July and that marked the official END to my breast cancer treatments! I just had my 3 month check up with my oncologist, at which she told me everything was “perfect”, and I wont see my breast surgeon or plastic surgeon until next year! What a lucky girl I am.

So what is next for me? 191 days left of  grad school and 303 days until I marry the love of my life and become Mrs. Thompson 🙂 Life has never seemed brighter and I have a lot of life left to live. I wouldn’t have made it through the last year without the support of my Lucas, parents, family , friends, and all of you that have prayed for me, encouraged me, and cheered me on. Thank you will never be enough.

For anyone out there going through this now know that you are not alone. You can fight and you can win. You can still have the future you always wanted-cancer can only take from you what you allow it to. Laugh when something is funny, cry when you are scared, and know you don’t always have to hold yourself together. Lean on the people you love most in the world. Just keep telling yourself “this is not how my story is going to end.” Keep fighting. Even in your darkest moments. Fight like a girl!

Here are pictures from the past year. Starting with a couple weeks before my diagnosis and ending with pictures from a couple of weeks ago. You can click on the pictures to make them bigger.